The Answer is No

Dear Sir,
  I do not know if the red cast iron set will be "sold out" in February. You can re-word your question any number of ways, and the answer will still be no, I do not know. Just buy it now and get it over with. Thanks

Tea Time

How do you not love an Alice in Wonderland tea set. I mean, really :)

Scandinavia

 I get on these Scandinavian kicks every once in a while. This is the cause of the latest...

YES!!!!! Not a big zombie film person, but this one spoke to me. For starters, it's Norwegian. Ja. Now I just want to eat smoked salmon and cod cakes and other such things.

http://www.scandinaviafood.com/  Det var sa lidt

It Ain't Easy/ Training II

 So we just had a new server that couldn't make it through training. He was a nice guy, seemed intelligent, was polite, but he just couldn't cut it. Like my friend said, you can lead a horse to water, this horse was refusing to drink. Or something like that.
 I guess this guy looked good on paper. But when, on the first day, he tied his apron on OVER his vest, I knew he wasn't restaurant material. I mean, come on, you can't even put an apron on properly, what else are you going to screw up? Here are the major server points that this guy missed.

Menu Knowledge
 This is huge. I don't care what restaurant you work in, sales is a major part of the business. Simply put, if you don't know about it, you can't sell it. We give people all the information they need. They get detailed menu descriptions and then spend time on the line in order to see the food. This guy didn't do so well on his tests. Which we couldn't quite get because he's a teacher. Interesting. Even when I told him EXACTLY what he needed to read and know for his next test, he did badly. Are you kidding? Either you can't or won't learn what you need to. This guy took over an hour to take his final test. Maybe he was making it appear that he was trying.Even with taking an hour, he didn't do so well. Which is mind-boggling, because he had been training for well over a week and still couldn't get anything. What??? It's not that awful, we have about 15 other servers on the floor who managed to pass their tests. After a week of training and you still don't have quite a grip on the menu, I'm inclined to think that you aren't taking this whole job thing too seriously.

Time Management
  Um, this was a big, fat NO. It's completely understandable on the first or second day for a trainee to be a little slow with the flow of the restaurant. The first and second days you are just following, and LEARNING how the restaurant works. After these days, you should have a pretty good grip on how the restaurant works. By day five, you should be able to completely run a section by yourself. This did not happen. We had three tables and he was stuck at the first two-top. I don't think it registered that we even HAD two other tables. I would say, " ok, we have to hustle and get these drinks for this table because this six-top just got sat and we need to greet them.". He would say, "ok". And then nothing. No lie, just stand there. So then I would say, "ok, so what do you need to do?". No answer. Me: "Let's ring in these drinks and greet this table". Him: "ok".
 So we go to ring in the TWO drinks,( which he has gotten confused about what they ordered ), and when we FINALLY get them rung in, this jag off starts heading off to the bar. NO! You have completely forgotten that there are six people waiting on a server. You toddle off to the bar and keep taking care of your little two-top. At this point this is my money you are messing with, and the fact that you have no idea about what you are doing has completely ticked me off.
 And that is how day five went. He just would not listen. At all. Which brings me to the next biggie.

Listening
 You have to listen to the trainers; they are teaching you. You have to listen to the guests; they are your bread and butter. When I say that we have to get this coffee quick, then get the coffee quick. When you go to a table, and they ask you what the fish of the day is, don't answer with, "can I start you off with an appetizer?". That really happened. The table looked at him like he had grown two extra heads.

 So we couldn't keep this guy. Obviously he thought he was smart enough to play the serving game, and obviously, he was not. We've had others like him and they have managed to weed themselves out. Thank goodness. And you wonder why I hate training.

Reviews

 So I couldn't sleep last night and of course I did the supremely idiotic, and decided to read the most recent "reviews" of our restaurant. Not smart; the baseness of some of these people made my blood boil. It goes hand in hand with my "everybody is an expert" notion. It is also a perfect example of that saying about opinions and assholes; everybody has one. It seemed for every two or three great "reviews" there would be one completely, asinine, awful one.
  Just for fun, I started reading "reviews" for other restaurants in the area. Pretty much the same story. The thing that really makes me go bonkers is that the majority of these awful "reviews" are written by people who have no clue. One of the biggest complaints across the board, for every restaurant, was that we are all "overpriced". These people will also go on to say that being "overpriced" is the norm for the area. So answer me this: if you know the ENTIRE area is "overpriced", then why are you bitching about it? If you know it's expensive, then why are you even bothering to come to the area? Really??? That's like going to France, and bitching that everybody over there speaks French. I mean, these people will even bitch about paying for parking. Shut. Up.
  I'm sure there are people who write legitimate reviews, whether they be good or bad. The problem is mucking through and determining which ones are legit, and which ones aren't. One review can sing the highest praises, the next claiming that it is the lowest of the low. One person claimed that "you can get a better steak at Sizzler, AND get two sides!" This says a lot about that person. A review for another restaurant said that the food was just "nasty". Really. This person is soooo eloquent that the best way to describe the food is, "nasty". No descriptives, no the sauce was runny, the fish was overcooked, the vegetables were limp, just, "nasty".
  When people don't like things, they tend to blow everything out of proportion. For example:if they had to wait 10 minutes for a table; it becomes half an hour in their review. It's kind of like complainer math. Everything gets exponentially worse, just to make for an interesting review. Someone wrote that they had to wait 45 minutes before a server even acknowledged them. Ok. My question is this: why would you sit at a table for 45 frickin' minutes waiting for a server??? Oh, I know why, it's so you can bash the rest of your dining experience on Yelp, or Trip Advisor. These people said that everything was horrible, the food, the service, the manager had no clue what she was doing, and so on. This is the stuff that makes my blood boil. These people obviously don't eat out much or are habitual complainers. They weren't even talking about my restaurant and I was pissed. But because these jagoffs were hell-bent on having a horrible time, and hating everything, their precious little review is out there for the world to see. What's bad about this is that someone else who is just as moronic will take this particular review to heart. I mean, come on, you're going to listen to someone who sat at a table without a server for 45 minutes?? And admits it??
  There are other factors to take into consideration as well. A scathing review could have been written by someone at a rival restaurant, or a bitter ex-employee. An over-the-top wonderful review could have been written by someone who works there. You just never know. Just take them with a grain of salt, and remember that not everyone has the same tastes. Instead of relying on the opinions of people you don't know, why don't you try a place out for yourself and form your own opinion. Hmmm, interesting concept. Just don't write anything stupid about it later.

Yummus

I love, love, love hummus and tsazik. I thought I would be nice, ( don't get used to it ), and share my recipes for these two with you. Of course you could use canned garbanzo beans; but that would be cheating, and no one would be as impressed. You hummus afficionados will probably notice that I don't have tahini in my recipe. If you are lucky enough to live somewhere that has a grocery that HAS tahini, (unlike me ), then by all means add a bit. As a matter of fact, add whatever you like, this is just a nice little base for you to start with.
 
  Hummus
1 head garlic
1lb bag dried garbanzo beans
olive oil

 Make the beans: Rinse and sort the garbanzos and then soak in cold water for at least 2 hours. Drain, then add about 3 cups of water, 1 large vegetable bouillion cube, and 2 peeled cloves of garlic. Simmer sloooowwwwly for about 2 hours, or until the beans are tender. Remove from heat when done.
 While you are making the beans, roast the garlic. Cut the top off of a head of garlic, ( what can I say, I love garlic ), drizzle liberally with olive oil, wrap in foil, and pop in a 400 degree oven for about 35 minutes.
 When all the good stuff is done, you put it all together. Depending on the consistency you prefer, you can use either a food processor, or a potato masher. I used a potato masher because I got tired of looking for the food processor. However you do it, start with the drained beans. Add the juice of half a lemon, and the roasted garlic. For Pete's sake, just squeeze out the yummy roasted garlic; do not throw the whole head in! As you process/mash add the simmering liquid a tiny bit at a time, until you get it to the right consistency. Add just a drizzle of olive oil and....voila! Hummus! I drizzle mine with olive oil just before I serve it.

 Tsaziki
1 whole seedless cucumber, peeled and finely chopped
5 cloves garlic, finely chopped, ( pulverized )
16 oz plain Greek yogurt
juice of half a lemon
big bunch of dill, chopped
1 sprig mint, finely chopped
salt and pepper to taste

This is another one where you could process, but I like my tsaziki with a little texture. Mix it all together, cover tightly and refrigerate for at least a couple of hours. ( A couple of hours to refrigerate, a couple of hours to make the beans.....interesting....). The flavours definitely need to come together.

So, throw a little hummus a plate with a dollop of tsaziki, add a chunk of feta cheese and some olives and serve with pita bread. It doesn't get any better than this. At least today. Savourez!!!

The Heat

This hellacious heat is a business killer. You know at least one set of doofs will want to sit outside on a day like this. At least the flowers are pretty. Stay cool

On Rudeness II

 Maybe I should call this post More Large Party Hell. This is how it went down.
 Saturday reservation for 12 people at eight o'clock. Ok. The woman who had made the reservation called earlier that day to confirm said reservation. Ok. They were celebrating a birthday. Ok. So we put the tables together to set up this 12 top. They call and say they are running about 1/2 an hour late. Ok, at least they are showing up.
  9:15....they finally show up. The party of 12 has turned into a party of 8. No big deal. They sit down, they don't want water, they just want sodas and one Sex on the Beach. This is obviously not going to be the biggest 8 top I've waited on, but that's ok, my first round was great, so this is a win-win situation for me.
 And then.....
  After I had explained the menu, and gone back to see if anyone had any questions, on of the women says, "So I have to pay for my steak and THEN pay for a side?". "Yes, but they are big enough to share, so don't feel that everyone has to order their own side". She slams the menu shut and says, "This isn't going to work!"
  Oh really. Are you fucking kidding me???? Who the hell makes a frickin' reservation at a restaurant without, I don't know, looking at the god damn menu first???? Seriously??? You tards have basically taken up an hour and a half of my time, not to mention four out of my five tables!! And then you are going to get snippy with ME because the menu is too expensive??? You. Are. High. You know that sweet little reservation YOU made on-line? We have to pay for that. So you owe the restaurant $8 and you owe me about $100. Just remember stupid-asses, Carmen is a bitch, but she learned it from me. So you go and have a nice day : )

Server Nightmares

 By server nightmares, I mean the actual bad dreams that one has at night. Bad, bad dreams about work. I'm sure other people in other jobs have nightmares, but server nightmares are special.
  The theme is always the same. You are incredibly weeded. In your dream your restaurant has morphed into some hideously large version of itself. Your section is gigantic; you have tables in the bar, tables at the back of the restaurant, and tables outside and down the street. Of course you are sat all at once, because we all know that hostesses suck, and of course everyone is needy. Everything that happens in real life is completely blown out of proportion in a server nightmare. People aren't just slightly rude, they scream at you. They want you to cut up their food and feed it to them. You can't get the wine open, the bar is taking FOREVER, and all of the food is WRONG! All this while you have a fifty table section that spans two blocks.
  My first bartending job was at a restaurant that had a scale model of a skipjack as it's bar. In case you don't know what a skipjack is; it's a boat http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Skipjack_(boat) . The only way in or out of this bar was to jump up on one side and swing over. As you could imagine, this could be a tricky maneuver if the bar was full. At any rate, it was a Saturday night, the bar was full and the restaurant was busy. Of course I was a bit overwhelmed, but the night was just busy, not bad. There is a difference between busy and bad, you know.
 Even though it wasn't a bad night, I still managed to go home and have an interesting dream about my evening at work. I was in the boat, of course the restaurant had grown to huge, server nightmare proportions, and of course everyone was particularly needy. Except in my dream the needy patrons were pirates and they were swinging from the sails trying to get at me. It was awful. I was surrounded by pirates who needed the strangest concoctions, and of course they wouldn't move so I could get out of the bar, (because they were pirates, and pirates are notoriously rude), and I was terribly, terribly weeded out of my gourd.
  While this was my first server nightmare, it certainly wasn't my last. The absolute worst part about these bad work dreams is that you wake up stressed. This is not a cool feeling on your day off. But it's ok, after you've shaken off the cobwebs and realized that it was just an awful dream, and not how your night actually went, you can laugh about it. Sometimes : ) Faites de beaux reves  mes amies!!!

Pirates in the Harbor

I can't believe it's taken me this long to post a picture of this pirate ship! Of course there aren't actual pirates; just kids zip lining around it. Same thing.

A Perfect Sammy

One of my favorites! Whole wheat pita with smoked salmon cream cheese, greens, thinly sliced tomato and onion, and Danish bleu cheese. It has to be Danish, it needs to be creamy. Yum!

Happy Holiday Weekend!

Dear People,
  While in the parking structure, please do not stroll aimlessly in the middle of the aisles while cars are trying to get through. Do not stand in the middle of said aisles, staring about, as if you don't know where you are. I'll help; you are in a frickin' parking structure. Do not let your children run rampant in the aisles, do I really need to be telling you this?? Just hold their hands! When trying to park, do not sit in your car hogging up space waiting for an opening on the first level; it won't happen, and if you absolutely can't handle a little movement, there are elevators. Don't speed! It's a parking structure, not the Beltway, and people let their kids run loose in there. When leaving, do not block the exit because you can't: a. Drive or b. Figure out how to work the thing to get out. Last night wasn't so bad, but tonight will probably be worse. Just remember that I am out there, and I just quit smoking. Enjoy your holiday

Jerk

Dear jerk I work with,
Just shut up and change the tablecloth.

Grape of the Week

  I have decided to do a grape of the week, not sure why, but I just decided. Maybe it's because we just got a "talking to" about being somewhat aware of how our wine list is set up. The list is broken down into different sections, ie; California reds, Italian whites, Northern Italy; and then each section is seeded lightest to fullest. Apparently one of our servers did not know this and to make a long story short no one really knew anything because the big cheese was out of town and the manager from the OTHER place downstairs ended up talking to the table. Which he knows nothing about wine. Which the whole thing is rather embarrassing. Which now we have to show up early and learn more about the wines on our list. Fine by me, I know a thing or two about the world of grapes. So maybe I decided to be nice and share some of my wisdom with you. Don't get used to the nice part.
  I think Old World wines can be intimidating to people who aren't used to them. Understanding a French or Italian wine label can be a bit much if you aren't familiar with the wines. They don't always tell you what's in the bottle. Burgundy isn't a grape, it's a region. That white wine from Burgundy is a chardonnay, that red wine from Burgundy is a pinot noir. In Italy, that bottle of Barolo is made from nebbiolo, and that Barbera is made from.....barbera.
  What??? Yes it's confusing. But that's ok, you'll get over it. I think barbera is a nice grape to start with for the grape of the week. When you see barbera on the label, you are drinking barbera. If you've never had an Italian red before, barbera is a good grape to start with.
  Most barbera is grown in the Piedmont region, which is in northwest Italy. The top of the boot. It is a pretty easy drinking wine. Characteristically, barberas are a bit more fruit forward, and not too tannic at all. Think red and blackberries, maybe some cherry, and a bit of toast or smoke from barrel aging. The lack of tannins are what will make barbera appealing to a novice red wine drinker. Don't know what tannins are? Tannins are what make your cheeks suck in when you taste a wine. Pucker up.
  As far as food, I feel that barberas tend to lend themselves well to quite a few different foods. Of course red meat, but not anything big like a ribeye, which could overwhelm the poor little barbera. Heartier seafood like salmon, or tuna would be ok. Just stay away from anything spicy, or too acidic, like vinaigrettes or tomato sauce. Barberas are pretty acidic, it would just be an awful, acidic mess in your mouth. Trust me.

More Good Things...Sleeping Beauty

 I have to drive a bit over an hour to get to work. For some reason, I had to listen to Tchaikovsky's Sleeping Beauty. It's been in my head for awile. It was perfect for the ride to work; got me a bit more centered. Don't be a hater, everyone could use a little more classical music in their lives. Plus...it's Sleeping Beauty! If you've seen the Disney movie, you've heard the music. Enjoy!

Steaks on the Water

 So. Yesterday was Father's Day and of course I spent it working at the crabhouse. I had been dreading it all week, because the band that was scheduled brings in an impatient, sloppy-drunk, trashy kind of crowd. It's always a minor nightmare when they play, especially for the servers outside, because these people just spread out all over the place, and sit, and just keep the waitresses running. They're the type of people that can't get their beers fast enough. Yeah.
 But yesterday wasn't that bad. Phew! At least for me. Of course there were the usual frustrations; the hostesses suck, cheap people,( one of my friends got $8 on a $130 check. YES! ), and we ran out of crabs, which pisses people off. But it wasn't that bad.
  I had a table of three that had come in for crabs, and of course we had run out. The mom was a wee bit pissy, "I guess I'll have to get steak since you've run out of crabs", she sneered. Because it's my fault we've run out of crabs. That didn't upset me. What upset me was that she was thinking about ordering a steak. And we don't do steaks well. And I'm not talking about the temperature.
  This woman is on the verge. She's disappointed because she had come down specifically for the crabs, and we had run out of them. Now she's thinking about getting a steak instead. Please don't do that lady. All of my tables have been nice and enjoyed their day, you could be a potential day-ruiner. So of course I try to steer her away from the steaks and towards the seafood. We only cook steaks one way: brown. Rare, medium-rare, medium; they all come out looking the same. So when people come into the crabhouse and order a steak, I cringe.
  So the lady orders a T-bone. Medium-rare. Poor thing. Of course when they finally get their dinners, and I go back to check, her steak is over-done. It's more medium-well. Now, I've noticed that most people who come into the crabhouse and order steaks, order them well-done. Which is perfect, because that's how they will come out anyway. Sometimes they order them medium-rare or medium, and they come out well-done, and they don't send them back. I don't think they really notice a wildly overdone steak. Surprisingly, I've never had to return a steak at this place.
  Not this time. I tell her I will get her a new steak, she says ok. My problem isn't that she is returning the steak, my problem is that the kitchen is going to argue with me over how done the steak is. And THAT pisses me off. True to form, the kitchen argues with me about the steak. "She's crazy, that's medium-rare!". Me: "No, that's medium-well". Jerk: "That's medium-rare, she doesn't know what she wants, I'll give her a rare steak". In case you haven't noticed, this a-hole in the kitchen doesn't understand that it's about the guest, not him. I'm thinking that his rare is probably more like a medium, so maybe this lady has a fighting chance at getting something close to what she had ordered. This guy is still fussing that the steak is medium-rare, this lady doesn't know what she's talking about, etc, etc. I told him that I work in a steakhouse, don't argue with me about temperatures. I sell steaks more expensive than you, so shut the hell up. Moron.
  I'm really dreading this re-order. I know it's going to take a bit of time, ( we don't exactly have a state of the art kitchen ), and it's probably going to be wrong. Great. The lady is being nice, and I don't want to ruin that. It had been a good day so far and I wanted it to stay that way. So the new steak is finally ready, I take it out, ask her to check and make sure it's done ok, she cuts into it and.....it is! Phew! Disaster averted. Looks like I can keep having a good day. : )
 

Hot Dogs

 Yes!!! Summertime is hot dog time! I have this weird fascination with how different parts of the country, and the world, top the venerable hot dog. Here are a few of my favorites. YUM!!!!

  Chicago
 The best!!!! There is absolutely nothing like a Chicago dawg. A bunch of stuff I love on a bun. Tomatoes, neon green relish that looks like it could glow in the dark, and a pickle spear; and that's just the beginning! Want to make your own Chicago dog? Go here, they will tell you how to make a dawg right. http://www.hotdogchicagostyle.com/makeyourown.php . Oh, and go Cubs!!

  New York
 Ok. Being an East Coaster with a dad from New Jersey, I grew up eating hot dogs with sauerkraut and mustard. Deeeee-lish. A hot dog without mustard is pretty close to a sin. There is also nothing like a Coney Island dog. Chili, onions AND mustard? Helloooo? It's fabulous! There's just one catch: the chili has to be just right. There are a ton of Coney Island hot dog sauce recipes out there; this one is pretty good http://www.grouprecipes.com/31717/coney-island-hot-dog-sauce.html

  Venezuelan
 When I first came across this one I freaked. I put potato chips on my sammys!!! All the time! And mayo?? Oh no, it is all too, too good. The cabbage makes it not sooooo bad for you ; ). My only concern....ketchup. Ketchup does NOT belong on a hot dog. Unless you're two, and even then it's questionable behavior. So if you want to make this for your kids and you don't want them to grow up to be Communists, leave the ketchup off.
 http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/george-duran/venezuelan-hot-dogs-recipe/index.html


   Sweden
  This is another one I freaked over. Mashed potatoes, shrimp salad, OH. MY. LORD. I have a fascination with Scandinavian food, and this sent me over the edge. Trust me, this is a tasty dog, ya. Just try it, you'll see. Now finding a proper Swedish hot dog recipe that I liked was kind of tough, but I did find this yummy raksallad, ( shrimp salad ) recipe. Interesting Scandinavian food site.
http://www.scandinaviafood.com/swedish-raksallad-recipe.php. I love the way the Scandies eat : )


 This is just the tip of the iceberg. Check out this Bon Appetit article on hot dogs around the world. Be sure to check out the Trailer Park. That could probably become another favorite : )
http://www.bonappetit.com/blogsandforums/blogs/bafoodist/2009/06/around-the-world-in-80-hot-dog.html
 Woot!!!

Tipping

 Ooooh, this can be a touchy subject! There are a few ideas out there on how to tip properly, and everybody thinks they are right. The bottom line, servers rely on tips to make their money, end of conversation. A server in the U.S. is paid an hourly rate that is way below minimum wage, no tips, no money. Remember that if you are a non-tipping sort.
 Not to toot my own horn, but I'm a solid 20% server. There will be the occasional "bad" tip, but there are usually enough good tips to make that bad one completely inconsequential. I like to say that for every bad tip, there is a stellar tip. So it balances out. I have worked with quite a few servers who go completely apeshit when they don't get 20% all of the time. This drives me batty! Remember, you need to work for that tip. Maybe you're not as fabulous as you think you are. If I get a bad tip, I usually deserved it.
  In general; 18% seems to be the standard. If the service was fantastic, leave more, if it wasn't, leave less. Do not leave NOTHING. You might have had a horrible time with your server, but if you leave no tip, then you are taking money out of the pockets of the support staff. Bussers, bartenders, foodrunners all get their money from the server, don't punish them because your service was awful.
  Now, some people are just plain cheap. They suck. I hope they get hit with a big kharma bat. As in they lose their cushy job and they have to wait tables. But that's just me. But, there are a select few that I will allow to leave a crappy tip. Here they are.

  Old People
 When old people were young, the industry standard for tipping was probably 10%. Deal with it. They probably lived through the Great Depression and are very frugal as a result. Be nice, they're old. Be happy they are leaving you anything. As long as they are sweet, I can handle a 10% tip from old people. It's a little harder to take when they are cantankerous, but, they ARE old.

  Foreigners
 In some parts of Europe, the servers are paid a decent wage, therefore tipping is not neccessary. In Japan, it's considered downright rude. So some Europeans don't tip as well as some American servers think they should. I can't tell you how many people I have worked with who grooooaaaan when they hear British accents at their table. I understand the whole "when in Rome" thing and, "they should know how to tip when they come here". I do. But, they are leaving you something, in the U.K. you don't really have to tip at all. So be happy with what you get. Did you ever stop to think that maybe, just maybe, you got that 10% tip from the Britishers because you didn't take care of them as well as you should have? Hmmm? You automatically think "cheap tippers" so you give "cheap service". Think about it.

 In my eyes, those are the only two groups that are allowed to tip cheaply. Everybody else needs to ante up. So be nice, and be sure to tip your waiter : )

Good Things

 Here are some things I enjoy, I hope you do as well! : )

 Who doesn't like to read? And if you don't, well poo on you.  Here are a couple of my latest faves.






The Secret Diary of a Princess, by Melanie Clegg. I am a big fan of Melanie's blog, Madame Guillotine, and I finally succumbed to the occassional posting of  "buy my stupid book". What a treat! As the title suggests, it is the secret diary of a princess, the princess being a young Marie Antoinette. It's a nice little peek into what her life was like as a young girl in Austria. I was loathe to put the book down when I had to leave and couldn't wait to get home to continue reading it. That's a good thing. Another sign that it's a good read; I thought it ended too soon. Be sure to check it out. Also be sure to check out Madame Guillotine  http://madameguillotine.org.uk/ , it's a fun blog for history buffs, Ripperologists, and gin drinkers. To start.








Alice's Adventures in Wonderland, by Lewis Carroll. Never read this classic? You need to. While the Disney movie is cute, the book is better. Duh.












I've re-discovered Absolutely Fabulous. How could I forget Patsy and Eddy? This show is so wrong, but it's so right. I have to admit, Eddy is the type of mother I will be. Everybody needs a little AbFab in their life, laughter is good for you. : )

Server types

  I'm not sure how it is in the "real" world, but in the restaurant world you come across some very interesting people. This is not about them. This is about that annoying sub-sect of server types that pop up in every restaurant everywhere. You might have to deal with only one, or you may have the pleasure of having several of these types at the same time. I work in two restaurants so I get to see these types every day. Yay me.

 The Table Hog
 Ok. This bitch tries to snag every table that walks in. She harrasses the hostesses and constantly hovers  over them to make sure the seating is "right". This chick is the reason we can't take requests outside of our sections. She had an absolute hissy fit when one of the outside girls had a request that wanted to sit inside. A little background; we don't really have sections, you are either inside, in the bar, or outside. All of the tables get rotated amongst the servers, the same goes for parties. Since we don't have actual sections, and it's all rotated anyway, nobody is really losing a table. Besides, a request is a request. But bitch-breath had to have a cow, and demanded that she take the next table outside. Which meant that that foul piece of humanity was using our computer on our side. Eww.
 Table hogs are not cool, I believe in kharma. This particular chick spends most of her time worrying about what's going on with everyone else, and not enough time taking care of her tables. And then makes no money because her service sucks. Khaaaarrrrrmmaaaa. You keep right on snagging tables honey.

  The Know-it-All
 This jag-off is annoying as hell. The Know-it-All, to put it simply, knows everything there is to know about the restaurant business. The rest of us are intellectual gnats, and we should listen to everything he says.
 With a frickin' grain of salt peppered with an eye-roll!  Really?? This guy is maybe 25 tops, and has really only worked at a couple of other nice restaurants, and one that pretended to be nice. Proof that he's an idiot: I listened to him try and impress one of the newer servers with his wine knowledge, he's one of those that goes for the big names and the expensive bottles. And you know how I feel about those types. When someone starts spouting off about "we sold the Shafer at Morton's", that is a big red flag. A lot of places sell Shafer.
 This guy is an expert in how things should be run. Want to know what I say to that? Send in a frickin' resume. Don't call us, we'll call you.
  Once again, we have someone who spends more time making sure everyone knows that he knows everything about "the biz". Shutup. Come talk to me when you've been doing this as long as myself and quite a few others have. By the way; the guy who knows so much about wine opened the wrong, more expensive wine for one of his tables. Hello void for the difference in price. Yeeeaaaah. Leaving my comments to myself right now : )

  The Newbie
 I'm not talking about "new" people. I'm talking about people who are new to the art of waiting tables. As in maybe worked in one other restaurant years ago. Why did you stop waiting tables way back when? Let me answer for you; it was probably because you sucked at it. No biggie, as hard as it might be to believe, there are some things even I can't do. So if you don't have what it takes to do well, ( patience, time-management, the ability to think at least three steps ahead of your guests, the ability to do multiple tasks at once, to name a few ), that's ok. Just stop pretending that you do a good job. Realize that this is not the job for you and move on. Please. It used to be somewhat amusing to watch you go down in flames, but now it's not. Most people learn from their mistakes, you obviously do not. You're 20 minute menu dissertation is fine when you have one table, it is wildly inappropriate when you've been triple sat. I'm just saying.

 Bartenders
 These people are definitely their own breed. I make it a point to get along with the bartenders; it's just good business sense. But some of them are a little too closely related to the Know-it-Alls for my comfort. This stems from the fact that bartenders are extremely touchy about how they make their drinks. I get that, I truly do. I've bartended quite a bit and I'm extremely touchy about how I make my drinks. At the nice restaurant we have a lot of specialty cocktails, the bartenders do a good job making sure that the drink tastes the same no matter who makes it. At the crabhouse....forget about it. They all do their own thing. Your first margarita can be fine, your second will have orange juice in it because someone else made it, and if you say anything the second bartender will inform you that she's been putting o.j. in her margaritas for 20 years. SHUTUP!!!!! Just give me a margarita without o.j.!!! You cow!!! So annoying.

  I have more, but of course I have to go to....work. Yay!
 



 

Pizza cravings

Bacchus loooves pizza

  I have been craving good, East coast pizza for the longest time. I had tried the Chicago-style pizza when I was out there; it was ok, but nothing compares to a good, East Coast thin-crust pizza. Those supposed "thin" crusts from Chicago are a farce. When we were kids we would spend our summers with our grandparents in Neptune, NJ, ( exit 7A, thank you ); the pizza was outstanding. Our Aunt Lois would always take us to Carmen's,http://www.peteandeldas.com/ The crust was so thin you had to fold up a slice to eat it. It's because of New Jersey pizza that I became a pizza snob at a very, very young age.
  After being away from the East coast for ages, I was ready for some real pizza. Not this deep-dish, hoofhoff that pretends to be real pizza. I want a pie that was hand-tossed by a guy named Vinnie with a New Joisey accent. I dig that. But, being in Southern Maryland, there are no guys named Vinnie, and no real pizza. So sad. For a time I was seriously contemplating driving up to Jersey to get my fix.
  So, I was extremely excited when I found out that our next sister restaurant in the area was to be...a pizza place!!! Laaaaa!http://www.fiorellapizzeria.com/ Now this is what I'm talking about. This is pizza like you'd get in Rome, super thin, a little crispy, and yum. But I'm not picky. And of course it's made in an oven that was imported from Italy. Molto bella. I'm not sure if there's a guy named Vinnie there, but that's something I can do without if I absolutely have to. *sigh*. It's not your average pizza joint, it is a little frou-frou, but it's ok to treat yourself, and it's a hell of a lot closer than New Jersey. Or Rome. ; )

 

Pirates...sort of



No pirates here...I think

 I am a huge, huge history buff. I can tolerate most history, but like most buffs I have particular "areas" that I'm crazily interested in. One of these is naval history, and, of course, pirates.
 Arrrrgh. Not sure where this came from. The water has always fascinated me, I can't get enough of the rivers and their stories around here. This area is rich in history; I grew up pretty much around the corner from Maryland's first capital, John Wilkes Booth ran through Charles County after shooting Abraham Lincoln, and Mount Vernon and D.C. are right up the road. That's just the tip of the iceberg. We are surrounded by water in Southern Maryland, and it's played a major part in it's history. The only thing I'm pretty sure we didn't have was pirates.

Christ Church in Chaptico.

 When you are young and fascinated with pirates, it is highly disappointing when you discover that they didn't run around your area. The British overran Chaptico on their way up the Potomac to Washington D.C. during the War of 1812? Borrrriing. The first Catholic mass was held on St. Clements Island when the colonists first landed in Maryland. Were the colonists pirates? No. Snooze. Why do I have to live in such a stupid state? Why couldn't I have been raised somewhere cool and piratey, like Tortuga?
 Imagine my delight when I discovered that pirates ran around the Outer Banks. Crazy! I thought the only thing that area was good for was the lost colony at Roanoke. ( I got a t-shirt there that says, Don't ask the locals for directions, they already lost one colony. ). Blackbeard was there? YES!!! Now we're talking! I can make it to Nags Head in about 4 hours. So close! The Outer Banks is one of my favorite places, if you haven't been, you need to go! http://www.outerbanks.org/
 Pirates are mysterious creatures, maybe that is part of the allure. The Royal Navy kept records, pirates really didn't. I enjoy researching them; I find out as much as I can and it's just not enough. Right now I'm reading Under the Black Flag by David Cordingly and enjoying it immensely. I just wish it had more pictures : )
 I have a pirate necklace that I wear when I can tell it's going to be "one of those days". One of the first places I'm going to visit when I go to Savannah will be the Pirate's House. Duh.http://www.thepirateshouse.com/ If I had a boat it would have a pirate flag. Of course. And I will most definitely buy more books about pirates. Maybe I will write my own ; )

Memorial Day

 I don't know where to start with this one. I spent the majority of this holiday weekend working at the crabhouse and, like I always do, I wonder why the hell I torture myself by going there at all.
  Saturday wasn't that bad, it wasn't as busy as we were hoping, but it was still a somewhat decent day. The weather was nice, the bands were ok, and there weren't too many drunk fools. Of course there were some pretty hammered people out on the beach later, but that's normal for a Saturday. And of course someone got punched, and I think some people were "asked" to leave, and the cops showed up, but that's somewhat normal as well.
  Sunday was a completely different story. It was hotter, and it got busy earlier. As the day went on we started getting the people who were there to see the band. And these people leave a lot to be desired. They are drunk , loud and in the frickin' way. And that's just the tip of the iceberg. We were busy, so people were having to wait for tables, and getting pissed about it, and then having to wait forever and a day to get their food. And getting pissed about that. The kitchen was completely backed up, please don't get me started on how the kitchen runs in this place. If you're a server there you just learn to work around it. Customer service is NOT our number one priority. So don't expect it.
  One of the girls had a table of drunkos that were waving their arms and yelling "hey bitch", whenever they needed another pitcher of whatever they were drinking. I had a guy that started yelling for his "mother fucking shrimp". How about you get a bunch of mother fucking nothing and get the hell out of here. Ass. I have no idea about the rudeness that happened inside, but I know it happened. And I couldn't even begin to tell you about the rudeness on the beach. The point is that people were coming in on Sunday and acting like rude asses. My nice friend was getting pissed at everyone, and she's nice. I blame it on the band, this particular band brings a bit of a bad, trashy, crowd.
 So now I'm pooped, I don't feel like dealing with anyone right now, ( and I have to go to the mall, I feel like that might be a bad move ), and I can't get Save a Horse Ride a Cowboy out of my head. Because I'm pretty sure all the bands this weekend  played it. Yippee.
 

On busy-ness

Ziggy is weeeeded; Mimi is not

 I was a little confused as to where I was last night. Let's see, I was outside, I ran my ass off, and I didn't make any money. Crabhouse? No! Psych to me!
 Busy is busy, which is good, but there are some things that can be done to ease the pain, so to speak. There are also some major peeves that make it worse. This will be fun.
 
 Timing.
 Getting double or triple sat is going to happen, it's a law. To you none-servers, this basically means getting two or three tables at a time. Might not sound like a big deal to you, but add the other tables that are already sitting, and things can blow up pretty fast. Very fast. As in," I'm cool, I'm cool, I'm in the groove, everything is going along perfectly, oh SHIT-I-JUST-GOT-DOUBLE-SAT-I-HATE-EVERYONE!!!!!!". It can happen in the blink of an eye.
 This is where timing is crucial. Now is not the time to be giving your tables your 20 minute menu dissertation. Just get them drinks, let them know what they need to know, and run. Excuse me, walk away gracefully. You always have to be at least a few steps ahead of the guests because you can always count on someone doing something to trip you up, like asking a lot of questions, or ordering things one at a time when you ask if they need anything else, or wanting to "just take a look at the desserts, just to see what you have". The heavy-ass dessert tray that is all the way inside.
 This is where a server's experience shows. If you see right off the bat that a table is going to load you down with questions, then go get the order on the table that is ready and waiting. Don't make them suffer because you have poor time management. As long as a table has drinks, then they are ok for a hot minute. You can politely let them know that you'll be right back with them. Don't let them suck you in!! Servers that are less than experienced let themselves get sucked in; baaaad move. You get behind when you're busy, busy, and you can piss off your whole section, not just one table, ( you've sometimes gotta throw one to the wolves, sorry, fact of life ). You piss off your whole section, and managers get pissed off at you, and your whole day sucks.

 Running Sidework.
 Ooooooh, this my personal favorite. Nothing jacks me off more than going to get a glass, a spoon, ice, coffee, whatever, and it's not there. Do you know why it's not there? It's because some lazy jackass didn't refill ice, make tea or coffee when they took the last of it, or bother to go in the back to get more silver or glasses. These asses will run allll the way to the other end of the restaurant to snag a fork or glass or whatever. You know what, that's fine, it happens, but you obviously are aware that there are no glasses or silver in your half of the restaurant. So do the sensible thing and keep grabbing whatever your heart desires from the other half of the restaurant, instead of taking your candy-ass in the back and, I don't know, getting some glasses or silver to take to your section. It's a strange concept, I know, but I really think it will work.
 Because we have too few people that will lower themselves to doing running sidework, we often run out of things. It's just like timing on your tables people, keep ahead of it. It probably takes less time to grab a rack of glasses from the back than it does to keep traversing the restaurant snagging glasses. If they need to run half a rack, then have them run half a rack. It's not hard. Don't even tell me "it's the bussers' job". It's your table that needs whatever, go get it. The bussers are busy too. Don't get me started on busser abuse.
  Because not everyone does their fair share, you have people that basically just wait on their tables and make their money. Because certain people can't or won't help out with running sidework during the shift, other people have to pick up the slack, which makes them slightly busier than they really need to be. And THAT is what pisses me off. It's always the same people. If you can't or won't help out, then you need to find some other job that might be a little easier for you. I'm just saying.

 Service Bar Standers
  Servers: if you have the time to stand at the service bar and stare at the busy bartender while she's making our dramarific drinks then you have time to do something else. Like go get glasses.

 Grace.
  If you're busy, please try not to look it. You can be busy gracefully. Don't go stampeding through the restaurant like a rabid hippopotamus. Everyone is busy, we get it. Running through the restaurant doesn't impress anyone with how hard you're working. You just look like some idiot running through the restaurant.

 I wonder how busy it'll be tonight?

Mother's Day at the Crabhouse

 So, yesterday was Mother's Day, and of course I had to work. There are a couple of pain in the ass holidays, and Mother's Day is one of them. It's one of those days where you work way too hard for the amount of money you make. You run, run ,run, you're busy, busy, busy, and at the end of it all you say to yourself, "That's all I made??!!! That's it, I'm never working Mother's Day again." But you do, because it's one of those days that you have to work. Oh well.
  Mother's Day is one of those days where people who don't normally go out, go out. To put it bluntly, people who don't normally go out aren't so savvy on the tipping end. Which, if they are pleasant, is ok, ( I'd rather get a crappy tip from nice people than a great tip from complete asses ), but an entire day of 10% tips is rather disheartening, especially since you worked pretty hard all day. At least they were nice.
  Yesterday I was lucky enough to work Mother's Day at the crabhouse. I had been told that it was usually a crazy busy day, which surprised me, since Mother's Day is one of those dress-everyone-up-and-go-to-a-nice-restaurant kind of days. I wouldn't think that a place where you throw paper on the tables and sling crabs and pitchers of beer would be a big draw for Mother's Day. Apparently it is. Who knew?
  It wasn't business as usual. Most restaurants will have a special menu, or switch it up and do a buffet. We had a buffet AND an abbreviated menu AND crabs. Haha! We didn't take reservations, with a buffet and all you can eat crabs, you aren't getting your average hour and a half table time that you normally count on at normal restaurants. The all you eat crabs will keep people at a table all day; you add a buffet and forget about it. Especially around here. Since we didn't take reservations, people were showing up and having to wait, which happens, but these poor people were having to wait an exceptionally long time. Add the fact that we don't really have the space for people to wait, and most of these people are not small, and it gets a little claustrophobic. These poor people are trying to find a place to wait comfortably that is NOT in the way, and failing miserably.
   When they finally got a table, we had run out of crabs. Horror of horrors! It happens. We always tell people when they call and ask if we have crabs that it is always while quantities last. Always. Some people don't understand this, and ask what that means, or ask if we will have crabs on Wednesday of the following week. Crabs are the sort of thing where if you run out, you are OUT. As in completely gone. We can't create more crabs and have them ready in an hour. Don't get upset with me that we have run out of crabs at 6 p.m. on one of our busier days. Get upset with the large family that has been eating them all day. I didn't eat all of your precious crabs. If you want them that bad, go catch them yourself; we are pretty much surrounded by water.
 Except for running out of crabs, it was a pretty uneventful day. Some people were crazy busy, ( more on how we seat in another post; if you're a server, you'll know what I mean ), some people complained, and one guy completely wiped out when he tried to sit in a barstool. So, it was a pretty average Sunday. Except that we handed out roses to the mothers. Don't expect treatment like that for at least another year.  

Training Part II

this has nothing to do with training

 It's that time of the year where we need to plump up the staff and hire more people. You know what that means: it's time to train!!! Yuck.
 If you've ever worked in a restaurant, you will know that training is a minor pain in the ass. But, it's a neccessary evil, and the only people that can do it are the people that already work there. *sigh*. Don't get the wrong idea, servers aren't bad people, they just don't like to train.
 If you're training someone, you have someone following you. I am not a fan of having someone follow me. Sometimes they stand too close, sometimes they stand too far and try to look aloof because they're too cool to be trained, sometimes they get cheeky and touch my tables. NO! Don't ever touch my tables unless I ask you to. Ever! Sometimes they get cocky and try to outsmart you with their menu knowledge by asking an extremely obscure question. Nice try jack-a-lope; I've been here since day one. But, of course, this person has worked at Some Other Fine Establishment and is an expert on all things restaurant. Sometimes they are experts on alot of things that aren't even restaurant related. Good for you, but I'm not here to be impressed by your smarts. One guy was confused that our chef from Italy was speaking Spanish. I told him that Chef speaks a few languages. This guy told me that Italian and Spanish are similar. Really??!! I didn't know that!! Je parle le francais et vous etes un idiot. Je sais vous etes un buffoon. Pgghhfft! We had a bunch of these people when we first opened; we know how to smoke your type out.
 Sometimes trainees will complain about the way certain things are done. Go to Hell. This is not your old place of business, you are here now with us and you will do things our way. Besides, if your old job was so wonderful, why aren't you there now? Hmmmm? Open your own restaurant.
 Our menu is pretty easy to navigate, and it's really not too terribly terrifying to a new server. We're lucky, everything is pretty much written out right on the menu, there isn't anything really sneaky about anything. Having said this, we have had a few trainees who made no effort at all to try to learn anything about the menu. Where did these people come from? How have you worked in all these other places and don't feel the need to learn the menu? You are basically selling food, a server not knowing the menu is like a car-salesman not knowing that the round things on a car are tires. I mean, come on.
 Sidenote: we have a brand new guy who does nothing but ask questions. NOTHING. Good for him for being inquisitive and caring, but it is a little annoying. Two seconds of being around this guy and it's, "um, ok, question, ok?" Ok. I didn't know that there could be so many questions.
 It doesn't matter how many written tests you give someone, how many mock presentations they do, you never really know how well a server is going to do until they are waiting on real people. When we first opened, quite a few of our "seasoned" servers bit the dust. Hard. You need to see a server in action. It's one thing to wait on one table at a time; completely another to have a full section and you're weeded out of your gourd. A real seasoned server will know how to handle it; getting completely weeded is part of the job. Being a little slow on your first day out of training is somewhat ok, falling on your face and completely screwing up everything is not. I've seen it happen and it isn't pretty. You hate to see it, but it happens. After 5-6 days of training you should have at least half an idea of what you're doing.
 The crabhouse has a completely different approach to training. You might follow someone for a day, and then you're on the floor on your next shift. Which is usually a Saturday. Which is busy as hell and you want to die. Which you will either go back for more punishment or you will run away screaming, never to return. Sink or swim. Whatever, it works. It's brutal, but after 5-6 days of that place you can handle just about anything. By the way, anyone looking for a job? We need servers....muahahahaha!
  : D

 

The Brawlhaus

 So yesterday wasn't that busy, but at least we had a fight. The first one of the season! This makes me want to regale you with tales of some of the lovelies that frequent our crabby establishment.
 When you mix drinkin' and rednecks you get fights. We can count on a couple small ones on any given weekend, and at least one big one once a month. It's fun. They usually start out in the sand and always end up in the parking lot. We get the best view when they move to the parking lot, we'll line the rail on the deck, smoking and watching. If you sit on the back of the booths, you can get a really good view. Who knows what they fight about, somebody said something stupid, somebody was all over someone else's girl, long-standing feud from high school, there are a myriad of reasons.
  My favorite was the family brawl that went on for a couple of hours. Some guy got drunk and said something stupid. Maybe he threw a punch, either way he started it. So security kicks him out, which pissed off his sister, uncle, some sort of family members. Apparently there was at least one sane relative who was trying to get this guy out, and when he did get him out, the guy started fighting him. The guy was stumbling drunk, yelling at security, his sane relative, throwing punches and landing on his face, falling over cars, you get the picture. This was not a small guy. Security was worried about their bikes, ( motorcycles ), we were worried about our cars. This family was stumbling around the parking lot, trying to fight each other, ( dad had gotten involved at this point ), somebody threw rocks at a truck, it was a mess. At this point the waitresses were done, but we couldn't leave because of these wack-jobs rolling around our not so big parking lot. One of the security guys suggested calling the cops, our manager said no, she didn't want people to drive by and think we were some trash-hole problem spot because of a couple of cop cars. People would never get that impression if they drove by and saw a large, drunken group brawling in the parking lot. NEVER. Finally, after a couple of hours, somebody broke down and called the cops. About six Charles County and at least one Statey showed up. Mom showed up and took Junior home, and everyone else got home safely. Can you imagine Thanksgiving at that house?
  Last summer some guy got kicked out and punched out a window in the Keller bus that was parked down the road. One of our Charles County guys was in our parking lot, ( which I should tell you, is tiny ), he turned out, and took off down the road. Of course we were lining the rail, yelling "GET HIM DUCK!!!". They got him. Duck is our hero.
 One of our co-worker's sister in-law was passed out face first in the sand. When security tried to get her out she started swinging. They gave up, and her brother-in-law and one of my friends each grabbed an end and tried to carry her out, she's squirming and yelling and fighting the entire way. She got an arm loose and punched my friend in the back; they finally got to the car and threw her in the back. There was alot of swearing involved. Apparently, her sister was soooo done with her drunk ass she punched her in the face on the way home.
  Some big scary woman went after another waitress when her man grabbed the waitress' ass. The waitress was saved by a bartender who literally flew over the bar.
  We had a cat fight at the "nice" restaurant. There was normal conversation and all of a sudden "BITCH!" and two chicks come rolling out of their little area. When I say rolling, I mean it, these two were trying to mop the floor with each other. There was wine everywhere, and the one manager had a leetle bit of a time trying to pull them apart. I was confused for a moment; I thought I was at the other place.
  These are the biggies that I remember right off the bat. The little spits and spats are too, too numerous to mention. But don't be down, the summer is just starting. I'm sure I will have PLENTY more to talk about : )

Stupid Questions

We're getting back into the busy season, and while silly questions exist year-round, they become a little more unnerving when you get them in droves. Here are some of my all time favorites, in no particular order. Maybe.

"Do you know where the bathroom is?" or "Do you have a bathroom?"
  I work there, I'm in the building five days a week, but I guess there is still a strong possibility that I might not know where the bathroom is. Oh wait, we don't have a bathroom! My bad.

 "I see you have a salmon steak; do you you have just salmon?"
  That really happened.

 "What kind of steak is with the beefsteak tomato?"
  This really happened too. And continues to happen. I understand if you might not be the gardening type, but have you never set foot in a grocery store? Really??

 "I want the steak, what comes with that?"
  This is a tricky one. Like most steakhouses, the side dishes are a la carte. We explain this when we go over the menu. I understand that a few people might not understand that a la carte is a nice way of saying the entrees don't come with anything. If I stand at the table and say, ( and I've heard this ), "the side dishes don't come with the entrees, you have to pay for them separately", then I sound tacky and under-educated and run the risk of offending someone who does actually know what a la carte means. And I would never want to offend someone. If you don't know what a la carte means, just ask and I will tell you. Do not pretend that you know what I'm saying and then look at me like I'm an idiot because I tell you that nothing comes with your steak and you have to pay for your side dishes.

 "Do you have [ insert whatever beer you did not mention because you in fact don't have this beer and this would be why you never mentioned it in the first place ]?"
 These same people will also ask:
 "Do you have [ insert whatever side dish you did not mention because you in fact don't have this side dish and this would be why you never mentioned it in the first place ]?"
 They never believe you.

 "Can I have the camalari?"
 No you can not because there is no such thing. If you would like the calamari, I will be happy to bring you that instead.

 "Can we sit over there?"
 What part of "sit wherever you like" did you not get? When I told you to sit wherever you like, I didn't actually mean it. Dumbasses.

 There will be more to come, I need to go before I get all riled up. I do still have to go to work : )

the author and her new bestie

Ahhhhh, it's almost summertime, and ya'll know what that means...it's crab-pickin' time!
 It's almost a law that everyone that grows up in Southern Maryland knows how to pick crabs. You learn the "r" month rule before you know the entire alphabet; R months are for oysters and every other month is for....CRABS!!! As soon as the weather warms up the slightest bit, you start to jones for blue crabs. I grew up picking crabs every summer and I seriously missed it when I was out of the area for 15 years. My very first day back, I drove down to the crabhouse where I work now, and I could smell the steaming crabs and Old Bay as soon as I got out of my car. There is nothing in the world like that smell.
  Some of you might not understand what I call the crab culture. Picking crabs is not so much about the eating, it's about the doing. This is no quick meal, you are in for the long haul. You need to be patient, and understand you will get dirty, ( which, to me, is the best part : ). If you roll into a crabhouse absolutely starving, get something else. If you don't like to work for your meal, order a crabcake. But you will be missing out. I know a person not from around here who said he didn't like picking crabs, there was no way he would ever be able to fill up. That person sucks. He doesn't get it.
  Since picking crabs takes patience and time, you better make sure you are with decent people when you sit down. If you are with a bunch of suck-ass people, then you will have a suck-ass time. I can't tell you how many times I have waited on tables who have sat in complete silence while working on their crabs. Silent table, except for the crunch of crab legs being twisted off, the crack of the shell being ripped off, and the banging of mallets. No fun! These people should be drinking pitchers of beer, gossiping, laughing, haha, hollering at people they know across the room; not sitting in silence with crab guts on their faces and occasionally grunting at each other. These people might show a little animation when they wave their empty beer cans at their waitress, ( me ), but's that's about it. It's ok to wave your empty beer can at your waitress, just make sure you're having a good time while you're doing it.

  So come on summertime! Get your crab-pickin' gear ready, ( we actually have a regular who brings her own "tools" ), get ready to get dirty and sloppy, and make sure you're with people you don't hate. And remember, you can always jump in the river to clean off. Woohooo!  

Large Parties

I hate working parties. I make it well known that I hate working parties. I don't even pretend to enjoy it. I know it's easy money, but they can be a royal pain in the derriere.

The parties that are booked through our special events coordinator are set up to run smoothly, and they do.....sometimes. It's as easy as one, two, three. The first and second courses are already set, all the server has to do is take an entree order; of which there are only three to choose from. As for drinks, it's either by consumption, which is easy because there are no limits, or bottles of wine have been pre-selected, which is sometimes easy. Just serve and clear. Sounds simple enough, yes? WRONG. The problem isn't the way the parties are set up, the problem is the way the party people behave.

A good example is the party where the hostess showed up and had us re-arrange the room. And added passed hors d'oeuvres at the last minute. Passed hors d'oeuvres for fifteen people is ridiculous. Just so you know. They also added a nice little cocktail hour. Which is nice, but the hostess kept pulling whatever employee she could to get drinks, ( which they already had ), and pass hors d'oeuvres, ( which they didn't want ). Now, I understand that you want your party to run smoothly, and I understand that you want to look good for your clients, but realize that our business is not all about your party. Of fifteen people. Because we don't have other guests that we need to take care of. If you feel the need to add on special little touches that might require more manpower, we need a little bit more time than a phone call half an hour before you show up. Then things can be moved around. Our special events coordinator is pretty good at spotting the potential pains in the asses, this lady last night completely flew under her radar.

If your party drastically changes size, it would be nice to know before you arrive. Just last night there was a group of 16 that turned into 24. One or two people is ok, but eight is excessive. A group of eight counts as a party on it's own, now we have to magically squeeze 24 people into a room that fits 20 max. And by max I mean it's tight. If it's busy, forget about it. Remember, finding the space for your extra guests isn't the only problem. If you have a set menu, the kitchen has set up for the number of guests that your party was confirmed for. So now they have to rush to get the extra courses for your growing party, as well as continue to do what they do for every other diner in the restaurant. I'll bet you didn't think about that, did you?

On to my next issue. Know this: when you go to a private function at any high-end steakhouse, the steaks will be done either medium-rare or medium-well. Some places will just do medium. We give you a choice, so when I ask you, "medium-rare or medium-well?" don't reply with, "I'll take medium", or, "can't they make it rare?" or "I'll take it medium-rare, but tell them to put it on the medium side, haha". Funny people. I'd like to see you try to choreograph the cooking of anywhere from 10 to 50 steaks that range in temperatures from rare, medium-rare, medium, medium-well, and well done. Let's not forget the guy who wants his charred, and his friend that wants it medium-plus. Oh, and don't forget everyone else in the restaurant. The point of limiting temperatures on party steaks is not to be puckish, the point is that it enables your party to run smoothly. By the same token, don't ask for something that isn't on your little set menu. This is a money issue, and if your asking for something that costs more, then you need to take it up with your host. In the same vein, if your party's host has decided that you will only drink the house wine, then you need to take it up with them if you want something nicer. It's not my fault they're cheap.

Party hosts who completely overlook the fact that some of their guests might be vegetarian are completely rude. The pharmaceutical reps do this a lot. I'm sorry, but in a group of Indian doctors there's bound to be at least one vegetarian. Make sure that one of your menu options, we can certainly do it. I've had a couple of ladies order the salmon just because they didn't realize that we could do something vegetarian for them. We fixed it, but that's just rude on the host's part.

Oh, you know there's more, but that will have to wait until another day. Just remember to call ahead.