Stupid Questions

We're getting back into the busy season, and while silly questions exist year-round, they become a little more unnerving when you get them in droves. Here are some of my all time favorites, in no particular order. Maybe.

"Do you know where the bathroom is?" or "Do you have a bathroom?"
  I work there, I'm in the building five days a week, but I guess there is still a strong possibility that I might not know where the bathroom is. Oh wait, we don't have a bathroom! My bad.

 "I see you have a salmon steak; do you you have just salmon?"
  That really happened.

 "What kind of steak is with the beefsteak tomato?"
  This really happened too. And continues to happen. I understand if you might not be the gardening type, but have you never set foot in a grocery store? Really??

 "I want the steak, what comes with that?"
  This is a tricky one. Like most steakhouses, the side dishes are a la carte. We explain this when we go over the menu. I understand that a few people might not understand that a la carte is a nice way of saying the entrees don't come with anything. If I stand at the table and say, ( and I've heard this ), "the side dishes don't come with the entrees, you have to pay for them separately", then I sound tacky and under-educated and run the risk of offending someone who does actually know what a la carte means. And I would never want to offend someone. If you don't know what a la carte means, just ask and I will tell you. Do not pretend that you know what I'm saying and then look at me like I'm an idiot because I tell you that nothing comes with your steak and you have to pay for your side dishes.

 "Do you have [ insert whatever beer you did not mention because you in fact don't have this beer and this would be why you never mentioned it in the first place ]?"
 These same people will also ask:
 "Do you have [ insert whatever side dish you did not mention because you in fact don't have this side dish and this would be why you never mentioned it in the first place ]?"
 They never believe you.

 "Can I have the camalari?"
 No you can not because there is no such thing. If you would like the calamari, I will be happy to bring you that instead.

 "Can we sit over there?"
 What part of "sit wherever you like" did you not get? When I told you to sit wherever you like, I didn't actually mean it. Dumbasses.

 There will be more to come, I need to go before I get all riled up. I do still have to go to work : )

the author and her new bestie

Ahhhhh, it's almost summertime, and ya'll know what that means...it's crab-pickin' time!
 It's almost a law that everyone that grows up in Southern Maryland knows how to pick crabs. You learn the "r" month rule before you know the entire alphabet; R months are for oysters and every other month is for....CRABS!!! As soon as the weather warms up the slightest bit, you start to jones for blue crabs. I grew up picking crabs every summer and I seriously missed it when I was out of the area for 15 years. My very first day back, I drove down to the crabhouse where I work now, and I could smell the steaming crabs and Old Bay as soon as I got out of my car. There is nothing in the world like that smell.
  Some of you might not understand what I call the crab culture. Picking crabs is not so much about the eating, it's about the doing. This is no quick meal, you are in for the long haul. You need to be patient, and understand you will get dirty, ( which, to me, is the best part : ). If you roll into a crabhouse absolutely starving, get something else. If you don't like to work for your meal, order a crabcake. But you will be missing out. I know a person not from around here who said he didn't like picking crabs, there was no way he would ever be able to fill up. That person sucks. He doesn't get it.
  Since picking crabs takes patience and time, you better make sure you are with decent people when you sit down. If you are with a bunch of suck-ass people, then you will have a suck-ass time. I can't tell you how many times I have waited on tables who have sat in complete silence while working on their crabs. Silent table, except for the crunch of crab legs being twisted off, the crack of the shell being ripped off, and the banging of mallets. No fun! These people should be drinking pitchers of beer, gossiping, laughing, haha, hollering at people they know across the room; not sitting in silence with crab guts on their faces and occasionally grunting at each other. These people might show a little animation when they wave their empty beer cans at their waitress, ( me ), but's that's about it. It's ok to wave your empty beer can at your waitress, just make sure you're having a good time while you're doing it.

  So come on summertime! Get your crab-pickin' gear ready, ( we actually have a regular who brings her own "tools" ), get ready to get dirty and sloppy, and make sure you're with people you don't hate. And remember, you can always jump in the river to clean off. Woohooo!  

Large Parties

I hate working parties. I make it well known that I hate working parties. I don't even pretend to enjoy it. I know it's easy money, but they can be a royal pain in the derriere.

The parties that are booked through our special events coordinator are set up to run smoothly, and they do.....sometimes. It's as easy as one, two, three. The first and second courses are already set, all the server has to do is take an entree order; of which there are only three to choose from. As for drinks, it's either by consumption, which is easy because there are no limits, or bottles of wine have been pre-selected, which is sometimes easy. Just serve and clear. Sounds simple enough, yes? WRONG. The problem isn't the way the parties are set up, the problem is the way the party people behave.

A good example is the party where the hostess showed up and had us re-arrange the room. And added passed hors d'oeuvres at the last minute. Passed hors d'oeuvres for fifteen people is ridiculous. Just so you know. They also added a nice little cocktail hour. Which is nice, but the hostess kept pulling whatever employee she could to get drinks, ( which they already had ), and pass hors d'oeuvres, ( which they didn't want ). Now, I understand that you want your party to run smoothly, and I understand that you want to look good for your clients, but realize that our business is not all about your party. Of fifteen people. Because we don't have other guests that we need to take care of. If you feel the need to add on special little touches that might require more manpower, we need a little bit more time than a phone call half an hour before you show up. Then things can be moved around. Our special events coordinator is pretty good at spotting the potential pains in the asses, this lady last night completely flew under her radar.

If your party drastically changes size, it would be nice to know before you arrive. Just last night there was a group of 16 that turned into 24. One or two people is ok, but eight is excessive. A group of eight counts as a party on it's own, now we have to magically squeeze 24 people into a room that fits 20 max. And by max I mean it's tight. If it's busy, forget about it. Remember, finding the space for your extra guests isn't the only problem. If you have a set menu, the kitchen has set up for the number of guests that your party was confirmed for. So now they have to rush to get the extra courses for your growing party, as well as continue to do what they do for every other diner in the restaurant. I'll bet you didn't think about that, did you?

On to my next issue. Know this: when you go to a private function at any high-end steakhouse, the steaks will be done either medium-rare or medium-well. Some places will just do medium. We give you a choice, so when I ask you, "medium-rare or medium-well?" don't reply with, "I'll take medium", or, "can't they make it rare?" or "I'll take it medium-rare, but tell them to put it on the medium side, haha". Funny people. I'd like to see you try to choreograph the cooking of anywhere from 10 to 50 steaks that range in temperatures from rare, medium-rare, medium, medium-well, and well done. Let's not forget the guy who wants his charred, and his friend that wants it medium-plus. Oh, and don't forget everyone else in the restaurant. The point of limiting temperatures on party steaks is not to be puckish, the point is that it enables your party to run smoothly. By the same token, don't ask for something that isn't on your little set menu. This is a money issue, and if your asking for something that costs more, then you need to take it up with your host. In the same vein, if your party's host has decided that you will only drink the house wine, then you need to take it up with them if you want something nicer. It's not my fault they're cheap.

Party hosts who completely overlook the fact that some of their guests might be vegetarian are completely rude. The pharmaceutical reps do this a lot. I'm sorry, but in a group of Indian doctors there's bound to be at least one vegetarian. Make sure that one of your menu options, we can certainly do it. I've had a couple of ladies order the salmon just because they didn't realize that we could do something vegetarian for them. We fixed it, but that's just rude on the host's part.

Oh, you know there's more, but that will have to wait until another day. Just remember to call ahead.