It seems that in the past few weeks I have had to endure an excess of wine foolishness. Wine is one of my passions for sometime now, it has also been my job for quite a bit. I know my way around a wine list, I have every right to be a snob. Some people, on the other hand, do not have this right.
The novice wine drinker who admits they know nothing about wine; I love these people. They tell me what they like, I make a suggestion, they love it, done. Easy. Now for the rest of them.
1) The Novice Wine Drinker Who Acts Like They Know Wine
These jag-offs are a real pain. They might have learned a few key terms like "big" and "chewy" and all of a sudden they're oeneological geniuses. First of all, they use terms like "big" and "chewy" because all they've ever drunk are big Cali Cabs. Because that's what EVERYONE drinks. Wrong. There are soooo many fabulous varietals out there and they all have there merits. The odds are high that these tools wouldn't know a genuinely big and chewy cab if it walked up and slapped them in the face. These people wouldn't even try a wonderful Bordeaux, just because it's French. That's another peeve for another time. These people can be a little difficult, they are apt to return a wine because they don't like it,( no-no ), and their wives will complain because we don't have Kendall Jackson chardonnay.
2) I Read Wine Spectator So I Know Everything
These people slay me. I'm sorry Wine Spectator; if I'm not your biggest fan, it's because of the overwhelming number of jackalopes who have read you and are now wine experts. This breed won't drink anything that hasn't been rated by Wine Spectator. Excuse me, rated over 90 by Wine Spectator. Now this kind of wino will occasionally venture out of California and away from chards and cabs. They've graduated to Zins and Oregon pinot noirs. After a few years of reading Wine Spectator,(high school), they graduate to reading Robert Parker,(community college).
These boneheads won't listen at all. They read a couple of articles on Tuscany and they order Super Tuscans thinking they'll be Super Big. It's not just a Tuscan, it's a SUPER Tuscan! Wow! I had a guy tell me the Super Tuscan we have by the glass isn't very good. Keep in mind that wines by the glass aren't usually fabulous, but they are usually decent. Fabulous wines are way too expensive to pour by the glass. Back to my story: I asked the guy if he would like something different. He said no, he just wanted to tell me our Super Tuscan by the glass wasn't a very good choice for a wine by the glass.
Two things: first, I almost flipped my lid. How rude. Second, I know he's not "in" on the wine scene. If he was, he would have realized it's a GLASS POUR, not a "wine by the glass". As a GLASS POUR it's a decent wine. My boss,( God love him ), told me that if that guy wants a better Super Tuscan by the glass on our list, we will more than happy to oblige. And charge WAY more. My boss,( God love him again ), also said that the Wine Spectator gave the wine a 91. Maybe the guy missed that issue.
I Won't Drink Anything That Isn't a Big Name
These are Wine Spectator's in-bred cousins, they are that close. Not only does the wine have to be rated, it has to be a BIG name. And expensive. Because the more you spend on a bottle of wine shows how much you know. These people have money, and they've probably been to a few vineyards. Which is cool. But to hear them talk at the table, you'd think that Robert Mondavi and Helen Turley are their bridge partners. They'd dish about Stag's Leap this and Stag's Leap that. True funny, I could always catch the fakers by asking, " Stag's Leap Winery, or Stag's Leap Wine Cellars?". If they looked at me like I had grown an extra horn on my head, I knew they were full of poo. If I got a startled look, followed by a fast "winery", or "wine cellars", I knew that they knew I was onto them, and that the first thing they would do when they got home would be to go through their Wine Spectators to see what I was talking about.
These people won't even bother to really read a wine list. They might glance over it, then ask if we have Jordan, or Plumpjack, or Far Niente. These are all fantastic wines, but these people only like them because they are expensive. They don't appreciate the wines. My favorite saying is that you don't have to spend alot for a lovely wine. But if you're willing to throw $200 for a bottle you really know nothing about, be my guest. Just be sure and tip.
White Zinfandel Drinkers
The bottom of the barrel. I've had people ask me to decant their white zin. A couple of weeks ago,( at the crab place ), I had a guy complain about the fact that our white zinfandel wasn't Beringer. Are. You. Kidding. It's frickin white zinfandel, my cats could make white zin and you wouldn't know the difference. Do you know why? Because it's pretty much Kool-Aid with an alcohol content. The guy ended up getting a shot of Patron to go with his non-Beringer white zin. Yeah.
I could go on and on and on about wine, but I will save the lectures for another time : ) Peace out!
